THE ART OF PIVOTING

Mastering the art of the pivot is basically not ever giving up, even when it makes you look crazy.

Why does changing the direction of your life have to have such a bad reputation ? Why do people look down on it? Why when its time to go on a different path of life, we see it as a failure, rather than a second, third or fourth chance at life? Just WHY?

Imagine how we scroll through our social media feeds and see our distant friends doing something that we didn’t even know they were interested in. It makes us say “Wtf are they doing?” While cringing. They may be Changing their career path, their friend group, or they may start to dress different. Why does this has some sort of negative connotation? Why can’t people change, or shift their outlook on life, go down a new career path and change they want to live without being judged? I’m no smarty pants, but I’m sure that’s called pivoting, and little do people know, its the one thing that will save you from suffering through a mid-life crisis.

As time goes on, I’ve come to the realization that no one wants to be seen starting from the bottom. Its embarrassing af. What’s crazy is that, people are so afraid to start because they don’t want to be judged by people who haven’t even started at all… and as a domino effect, this stops us from even starting as well. The concept of it is so wild to me, but understandable, because it’s human nature. But now that Im almost 30, and I lived about 4 lives so far, I can now say that starting over is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

At 27, I went through a mid-life crisis. I was so unhappy, I was spending too much money and couldn’t even see where my money was going. I had a shitty management team as an influencer, and Everything was just SHITTY. All while I was living in LA in a beautiful high rise apartment on the 26th floor. I woke up everyday to the sun because it doesn’t rain in sunny California, but somehow life still felt gloomy. Looking back, I cannot remember the sun being out bc life was just so dark. I had a shitty relationship.  I got everything I wanted financially, except for happiness, spiritual intimacy and commitment that I desired. I had no kids or pets, and honestly no real responsibilities besides my portion of the rent…. But life was still SHITTY. Even though I thought I had it all, I deep down wanted something else. I wanted things money couldn’t buy. I wanted stability in my love life, I wanted peace in my personal life, I wanted confidence and a new stack of self esteem. I truly wanted normalcy. I wanted change. But I was afraid of what the world would say.

What would the internet think of me not physically having the material things that I once bragged about? What would my friends think? If I left, I wouldn’t be able to go to those influencer events, or couple date night with my LA friend that I had gotten so accustomed too. If I left my apartment in left LA, I’d have to go back home to live with my parents and who the hell wants to do that after living in a high-rise that was exclusive to celebrities only?  What about holidays? What gifts would I get? I wouldn’t be able to be on that high that receiving the lavish jewelry or handbags gaves me. I’d have to watch everyone post their gifts while Im here starting over, doing nothing. If I fire my team, will I get any brand deals and make any money? I was so afraid I was going to fall off the face of the earth. little did I know, I was already falling off of it, and it wasn’t by choice.

I remember I struggled so bad with accepting the fact that what I was experiencing in real time was my current life. So much so, I ended up hiring a therapist that I met with once a week. The more therapy I did, the more I realized that what I wanted deep down, was a just a do-over. And that resulted in me changing my meeting with my therapist from once a week, to TWICE a week. It became very expensive as I was paying out of pocket, but I had become obsessed. I learned new things about myself every session and it helped me gain the courage to let go of the “what if’s”. It felt good to finally say what my heart truly desired and not have the lingering thought that I might be judged.

Therapy helped me learn that I had put so much pressure on myself to live this life that I thought I wanted, and that actually, I didn’t have to do shit that I didn’t want to do.

One night while being fed up, I decided to document my thoughts:

October 8th 2021 @ 2:10AM

“I really want a different life. The life I live now is not how I imagined my 27 year old life. I’m unhappy, in my personal and love life and I’m battling depression. ****** makes me so angry. They continue’s to prove how inconsistent they are. I am so hurt and I don’t want to be in this anymore. I really did try to keep the peace, but I can’t because everything minute I’m triggered. I almost just feel like I want a do-over. I want to start over! How did I end up here???

For one more year I continued to live in misery, wishing and praying for a do-over.

And then it dawned on me….

That I didn’t need to wait for anyone to be happy and that I literally can do what the fuck I wanted, when I wanted.  And it was just that simple. As much as I had thought I was free in this world, somewhere in my mind I had been caged and had become a prisoner to my own fears that only I had created and placed on myself. I was in handcuffs to the idea that if I started over, then I was a complete failure.

As much as I had lived in fear over the thought of failure, something had clicked that night and I instantly stopped caring about what people would think about me. I truly didn’t give a fuck anymore. I even stopped caring what I thought of me, for once. And it felt damn good. I called up my mom and told her I was leaving LA and I won’t be looking back. Ive always been impulsive and my entire family knows this. My mom & sister told me maybe give it a day to think about it, I may just be upset in the moment. But I didn’t give a fuck what they thought or said either. I didn’t care about those material things I had once cared so much about, Couples night, the holidays or what social media might say once they seen I was back at square one. I didn’t care about the apartment, or those Influencer events In LA that I got invited to every week. I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I was on a “I DONT GIVE A FUCK” tour, and deep down I knew it was time to PIVOT.

The next morning I walked to my nearest UPS, bought boxes, dragged them back home in 80 degree weather and packed all of my shit. I packed Every single thing. I was home alone for two weeks that week, and I realized I only had a few days to pack until I wasn’t home alone anymore. Thinking about it now, it was almost like I was escaping or something of the sort. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in LA. I knew I needed to make it back to NYC, where I was raised, and to start over there. I was Sad of course, but I was excited on what the world had to offer. It felt like I was leaving one atmosphere and going into another with no tour guide or direction panflet. I cried while I packed the entire time. My crying confused my mom and she thought I didn’t want to start over, but I was crying because I was breaking free of my fears and thoughts, finally. I was mourning my past life that I’d be departing from in just a few hours. I would take breaks and on those breaks, I couldn’t think anything else but that I had to keep packing and to not give up, or else I’d never get out of there. It literally felt like I was running away from the old me. Nothing could stop me, not even food.

I packed 8 boxes of clothes and 4 suitcases and Uber’ed them to the UPS store and shipped them to my parent home to NYC all the way from LA. I could see that The doorman at my apartment was confused by the look on his face when I made them help me with all my boxes, and I’m sure he still is because they never seen me ever again after that day. While boarding the plane to my take off to pivot land, I prayed that all 8 of my boxes of clothes Ive collected over the years had made it to my parents home. But I also didn’t give a fuck If It got lost or some girl who might’ve worked for the shipping companies stole it, to be honest. I was chasing peace and as long as I made it on that plane and it took off, I was okay.

I emailed my therapist the day I was scheduled to finally leave LA and let her know I wouldn’t be able to take our call the following day and that I had a change of plans on life and that I’d be moving back home with my parents to start over. She congratulated me and let me know that she was there if I needed her.

Once I got to NYC, I felt like a complete failure. I was living back home with my dysfunctional family that I love very much and felt like I had lost myself. I didn’t know what I wanted, what I liked or who I even was at this point. I questioned myself everyday and it made me VERY insecure. I started to question my existence on earth, my looks, my trust for myself, and even if I should go back to LA. But I knew that I couldn’t turn back. I didn’t just do all of that for 3 full days without eating just to go backwards. I challenged myself to take on the feeling of failure and I needed to truly trust the process. If I turned back around, I knew id never be able to trust myself to make decisions for myself ever again and I was not having that. This was the start of a new life. I had wiped the slate clean to create a new journey for myself and put new ideas on the table. Confusion was expected. It was time for me to game plan my dream life, even though I couldn’t envision it. And I did just that.

You see, starting over doesn’t feel good at all. You feel dumb, stupid and every bad name you can think of. This is why it has such a bad reputation. You feel like a failure and you worry about what others will think about you. You feel misplaced and like you’re just doing too much. You feel like you look dumb and you sometimes actually may think you actually truly are dumb. But you’re not. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing at that moment, and if anything, you’re doing something a lot of other people can’t do. which is start over.

Like I said earlier, a lot of people don’t start over or even start at all because they don’t want to be seen starting from the bottom. Don’t be most people. You get a fresh new start to find new dreams, create new ideas and put fresh ideas on the table. Or reinvent old ideas that you never got a chance to get around too. You get to be delusional and dream about the life you actually truly want, even if it feels far af. One day it’ll get near. As long as you wake up with breath inside your lungs and a beating heart in your chest, Pivoting will always be on your side, regardless of what others or you’re negative mind my think.

Pivoting & starting over is simply mastering the art of not giving up or giving a damn, even if it makes you look crazy. And its never too late to start.

2chainz was supposed to go to the NBA and changed his path and blew up off of raping in his mid 30’s.

Samuel L Jackson was 44 when he got his first big role.

Lucille Ball was 40 when she first starred in "I Love Lucy."

Morgan Freeman's breakout year happened when he was 52.

It’s never too late to pivot from where you’re at today. If I didn’t take that chance to pivot, I wouldn’t be able to write this right now and let you know that it is the best decision I ever made in my entire life. I feel substance, I have a new level of confidence, self respect and trust within myself and I literally have embraced the idea of change. I now have a clear idea of myself and what makes me happy because I gave myself another chance. Its the most beautiful thing you can ever do for yourself. Happy is something I chased and I finally understand that to be happy, you have to do the things you are most afraid of.

You’re not failing, you are growing. Sometimes you have to go back to the drawing board. Things change, And that’s okay. Its life. The weather changes every single day. The tree’s aren’t guilt tripping theirself bc leaves fall off during a certain season.

Let go of the idea and the pressure of what you THINK you should be doing. Stop being your worst enemy and judging yourself, because truthfully, no one cares about you as much as you care about yourself. Like, truly. People probably aren’t even paying attention to you as much as you think they are because everyone is battling their own monster. Therefore, no one is judging you for having your own. Free yourself of bad thoughts and your perspective on what you deserve. Who said you can’t start over? absolutely no one. Exactly! Success is subjective. Allow yourself to gain that, whatever that look like. It may look like reading a chapter of a book. If you struggle with financial stability, then success may look like being able to order yourself treat on uber eats or finally being able to buy that shirt you seen last week. For those depressed, Success may look like finally getting out of bed, showering and putting on new pajamas. Or even just surving the best way you can that day. Do you boo boo and start tf over. You can do it.

You aren’t a failure because you are figuring out what works best for you and your life. Cats live 9 lives, why can’t we?

Goodluck!

- xoxo AJ.

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